Don't I ever get tired of talking to myself?

Good question, in fact. Although some of you may think that I am superly open and positive about what I've been going through with this whole Cancer and life-changing catastrophe bonspeil the sad hard truth is that's not always the case. Today, for example, on my way home from Ottawa I had a momentary lapse of composure. In actual fact, it was a fairly lengthy lapse... I wish that Cancer hadn't happened to me. I really do. Most of the time, I can be all up-beat and look at this as an opportunity to change the conditions I've been living under but today was not the average day. I get tired... and when I get tired, my body behaves in ways that make even the simplest physical activities uncomfortable. I am sick of not being able to easily turn my head from side to side. I miss being able to feel the space between my chin and my collar bone. I get sad when I think of all the people and things I've missed since I moved back home to be with my family. Some of these things might appear like general human nature but I have never taken the opportunity to talk about what bothers me.

Life is not fair... I know that... and I know that I could have it a lot worse than I do right now. But that doesn't make me feel a whole lot better about the rather lengthy recovery period I am enduring. I am not a weakling either... I think that might be part of the problem I have with not being able to physically do all the things that I want to do whenever I want to do them. And yes, I'm revisiting that same old neighborhood that I put up with years ago: following the motor vehicle accident. I feel trapped. At times, it's like I'm trapped within the confines of a body that doesn't work the way it used to. Heck, I feel like I am getting old and crotchety way ahead of my peers. When was the last time you had trouble lifting your head off the pillow? or shampooing and brushing your own hair? Yeah... Sorry.... I'm not begging for sympathy I'm just being honest about what some of this crap feels like for me.

No, I am not defeated... Sometimes I just get tired of directing my feet to the sunny side of the street. Maybe I just like to hover in the shadows for a bit when no one's watching so I can clandestinely feel sorry for myself until I come up with some other new creative way of turning my frown upside down and making the most of what I have left and blah di blah blah blah. Yes... I do get tired of talking about myself... mostly because I end up some place I wasn't expecting to be at the end of these rampant monologues I spout so freely into cyberspace. I guess that part of me hopes that someone is listening. If you're having a bad day... you're never alone. Lots of people have stuff happen that they can't control... almost by accident: life can jump up and hit you in the face like a big wet fish... leaving you thinking "What was that?" I guess I ought to take a bit of that message and apply it to my own situation. A superhero never has to be alone unless they choose to be and I've felt just about as much melancholy as I can manage for a holiday weekend. Live it... Learn it... Feel it.

N' that's how I'm surviving... MDB