From the mouth or babes...

Spending my time in creative embrace surrounded by a world of mini-superheroes has been good for the soul :-) Had a wonderful conversation with kids at play yesterday. They even invited me to be the villain for all their superheroes to defeat. Insights have come fast and furious ever since. This was the perfect antidote to the melancholy that was kryptonite to me. Everything comes to me for a reason... sent to me on the wings of fancy I have come to find my purpose once more. I get how relevant the superhero imagery can be for kids with Cancer. If a child, at play, can use their imagination to conjer up the strength to fight imaginary villains-- let's bring it into reality for a minute or two! Inspiration: thy name is Emma Sky! Daughter to my good friend Charmaine.

I am realizing that rather than planning everything that I am up to in future: I need to also be creating in the now. There are so many untapped resources that surround me and I need to stay open to everything as it's occurring. The lights have flickered and my space is luminous with the possibility of freedom in the face of Cancer!

N' that's how I'm surviving... MDB

Don't I ever get tired of talking to myself?

Good question, in fact. Although some of you may think that I am superly open and positive about what I've been going through with this whole Cancer and life-changing catastrophe bonspeil the sad hard truth is that's not always the case. Today, for example, on my way home from Ottawa I had a momentary lapse of composure. In actual fact, it was a fairly lengthy lapse... I wish that Cancer hadn't happened to me. I really do. Most of the time, I can be all up-beat and look at this as an opportunity to change the conditions I've been living under but today was not the average day. I get tired... and when I get tired, my body behaves in ways that make even the simplest physical activities uncomfortable. I am sick of not being able to easily turn my head from side to side. I miss being able to feel the space between my chin and my collar bone. I get sad when I think of all the people and things I've missed since I moved back home to be with my family. Some of these things might appear like general human nature but I have never taken the opportunity to talk about what bothers me.

Life is not fair... I know that... and I know that I could have it a lot worse than I do right now. But that doesn't make me feel a whole lot better about the rather lengthy recovery period I am enduring. I am not a weakling either... I think that might be part of the problem I have with not being able to physically do all the things that I want to do whenever I want to do them. And yes, I'm revisiting that same old neighborhood that I put up with years ago: following the motor vehicle accident. I feel trapped. At times, it's like I'm trapped within the confines of a body that doesn't work the way it used to. Heck, I feel like I am getting old and crotchety way ahead of my peers. When was the last time you had trouble lifting your head off the pillow? or shampooing and brushing your own hair? Yeah... Sorry.... I'm not begging for sympathy I'm just being honest about what some of this crap feels like for me.

No, I am not defeated... Sometimes I just get tired of directing my feet to the sunny side of the street. Maybe I just like to hover in the shadows for a bit when no one's watching so I can clandestinely feel sorry for myself until I come up with some other new creative way of turning my frown upside down and making the most of what I have left and blah di blah blah blah. Yes... I do get tired of talking about myself... mostly because I end up some place I wasn't expecting to be at the end of these rampant monologues I spout so freely into cyberspace. I guess that part of me hopes that someone is listening. If you're having a bad day... you're never alone. Lots of people have stuff happen that they can't control... almost by accident: life can jump up and hit you in the face like a big wet fish... leaving you thinking "What was that?" I guess I ought to take a bit of that message and apply it to my own situation. A superhero never has to be alone unless they choose to be and I've felt just about as much melancholy as I can manage for a holiday weekend. Live it... Learn it... Feel it.

N' that's how I'm surviving... MDB

A swift kick in the keister!

Positive or Negative? Flip a freaking coin! I know, I know... so many people see this strong stoic remarkably positive individual when they look at me... I can't help it! It's not my fault! Sure I have my down times.... everybody does. At least I have enough perception to get that down side is negotiable not permanently inescapable. Nobody wants to hear about all the bad news or sad things that have happened to me. Not really, unless I share the common kernel of 'this is what I've learned' or 'so this is what I'm going to do about it." At this point, those of you who are annoyed at the world for everything that hasn't happened as you would have wished it to have a choice: sink or swim! Powerless is not sexy! Example? If I feel like crap about something, I have found (prove me, if I'm wrong) that it's almost like you've got this big fat dead weight pressing down on you. You feel saggy and baggy and anything less than desirable that comes into mind, please insert here _________. This is not an I'm right, you're wrong conversation either. I am just sick of arguing with myself about how good I've really got it and how the light is still at the end of the tunnel and all this crap is temporary and eventually things will turn out.

I know there's something amazing in my future... I just know it. Not quite sure what exactly it is but I am willing to take a step back from it and decide once and for all what that's got to be. I'm not talking 'may' be or 'might just' be-- those qualifiers are for wusses! Or coy, seductively flirtatious individuals who would love to keep you hanging while they dangle their attractiveness for all to see. But that's really only just another story-- Harlequin I think! I am sick to death of being deprived! Honest! Trying desperately to get back on my game and losing myself in strategy has almost turned the life I am currently leading bland by comparison. I guess that I'll just have to look at my present condition with a slanted realistic eye and say "this is how it is". The only chaser that I will need to continually add-- or at least until it becomes habit-- is that "this isn't how it's got to be or will be." Adding that future context always give you a swift kick in the keister! I'm so lucky that I don't bruise that easily... at least not in my rounder, fleshier parts!

N' that's how I'm surviving... MDB

Finding My Passion... Again ;-)

So, do you remember the last time you got all excited about something and you couldn't stop thinking about it... I'm not talking about obsession or anything: just some good old-fashioned passion! I've been struggling for a bit. That's not to say that I'm vexed by the obvious Cancer fighting regiment that has become my new-found lifestyle. To be honest, I've been depressed. Ever since I found out about the Cancer, I've been in a bit of a floaty space of "So what you gonna do about it?" For the longest time, I actually thought that once I got done with the treatment I would be just fine and life would get back to normal and I could get on with living again. I'm sorry to say that it's not so simple... Funny, ain't it? We find comfort in the notion that life will get easier eventually and that sometimes stops us from actually doing something that'll jump-start the process. (Don't worry, this blog does have an upside... eventually ;-))

I've been working on a few creative projects... Namely books because, between you and me. I am in no condition to go out and take on the largely superficial world of the entertainment industry that is pop culture. I just don't have the stamina, yet. I think that the children's book that I've been working on is going to be a highly sought after tool to help children everywhere who are dealing with the ever ominous honorary title of 'Cancer patient.' So I got the idea.... the general premise for my book when I heard that they sedate or anesthetize kids who are receiving treatment. What is that about? Right, I know that it's not the most pleasant experience but I was able to work through it with imagination. Why can't kids do the same? Maybe no one has given them the chance-- or choice, for that matter!

So I am a collector... I collect details and sights and sounds and memories. Like many of you, I store them until they might some day be useful. D'you know what I'm realizing? No time like the present, boys and girls! I'm going to stop talking about this great idea I have as just an idea and make it a reality! Sheesh! So many people out there have so many great ideas about what they're going to do when they grow up (whatever stage of growing up is next.) I think that it's what you do with your idea that really counts for something. So I... I want to start something that's bigger than even I can fathom.

A few years back, I wrote this crazy kitchy family feature called 'Superficial' that was all about Superheroes in the making. Now I'm talking that premise one step further... starting from the ground up! Heck! Why can't we plant the superhero seed early in life! All you've gotta do is be brave and do something even though it might be scary and unpleasant. You will arise triumphant as long as you remember why you're doing it! For me, being diagnosed with Cancer made me feel very small indeed. There was this organism inside me that should even be there. This nasty little thing that kept growing and growing and it kills people or makes their hair fall out. Come on, I know that I am not alone in these associations! As people, we've got all these definitions of things... classifications... things we use to discern what's possible from what's unrealistic. Yeah, well try this one on: I am a superhero!

If we look at superheroes, their general class of organism have all had something traumatic or radioactive happen to them. Me too! Have you ever had a sunburn? Then this still applies to you dang nabbit! Please, keep reading... I won't be too much longer. You can be superhuman by being a super human. Defy the odds! Go on, exceed your expectations! Keep pushing the limits of who you're known to be until you reach that widely sought after space that's more than everything you've ever imagines. And when you reach that threshold, look me up... so we can have another conversation about the law of attraction and recognizing opportunities whenever they occur. Surround yourself with supportive, caring people. People who take you for all that you are and all that you are not and will love you even when you change. Love yourself. Worship your body. Feed your soul. Find that elusive passion again!

N' that's how I'm surviving... MDB