Laughter keeps the love going!

Devoid of all logic or reason, I find myself at the ripe 'old' age of thirty wondering what in tarnation will be my next move in my so-called life. At times, it feels like nothing is really happening for me. But then, I blink my eyes and something unexpected happens again and I find myself trying to figure that out too. Part of me is convinced that my worry and lack of independence will go away but then I feel reluctant to complete what might never be complete for me. Does what I'm saying make any sense? One of the things I have always prided myself on is my ability to analyze and problem solve and sort things out. I don't know what to do with where I am right now... not because I don't want to... mostly because I just have no answers available.

Initially, I wrote this blog and added to on line journaling to try and stay connected to the life I was living in Toronto. Like it would give me some sense of belonging or inclusion because ever since I first found out about the Cancer: it became something that made me even more different from everybody else that I was before. The occurrence of Cancer, in my body, doesn't make me special at all. If anything, my experience has taught me that it's just an everyday fact of life... just a part of the human condition and that sucks. It sucks big-time!

Looking back on all that I have lived so far, one might imagine that I got a pretty early acquaintance with my own mortality ant the fact that I have almost died is always present. This ain't no death wish, either-- I guess I am just dealing with a recurring theme or something. This is not who I am... and not who I really want to be in my life. I'm tired of the struggle but I like a challenge and that's not making much sense to me right now either.

Life was never simple... I guess I just need to look at this as a stage in recovery and not a set-back. There's something off-balance right now... something that's trying to get sorted out and my body and super powers don't quite know how to handle anything like this. That's why I am here, in hospital, going stir-crazy because I can't easily do anything right now but rest and that's NOT easy either! LOL At least I can still laugh at myself when I wake up from disappointment and regret. Laughter keeps the love going!

N' that's how I'm surviving... MDB